Well Thursday was intresting. My mom and I went horse back riding with the neighbor. I used a kids saddle. I have gained weight since I have been here but not in my butt, I guess. Now I know you are picturing a small saddle. The girl used it when she was 9-13ish. It was rather comfy. 
Now comes the fun. The girl wanted to run her horse and mom and I said go ahead. We can handle our horses. So she ran and then so did we. I did well enough. My mom realized that the stirups were a bit too long for her. None of us fixed it at the time. Stupid, stupid.
Next time we all ran I pulled in a little early and watched my mom get thrown. She hit hard and was up walking a few mins later. My sister came to us with the truck and followed us and the horses home. I rode the horse that tossed her. Seems stupid too huh? well if I didn't then it would be harder to ride him next time. When we got home my mom got back on the horse and walked him in a circle.  Then she got in his face and made sure he knew he didn't win.
She didn't break anything. Just a few bumps and bruises. 
Well time to make dinner

Rich is right. I do not wish him ill will. I love him too much for that. I will always think fondly of him. He taught me that their is more than one way to think and that people can change for the better. I will cling to that. 

Rich,
If I could get past the tears I would tell you everything in my heart but I choke on the words for they never seem to be able to express how I feel. Oh so pretty are the words tho inadiquit they are.

Some have asked if the rumors are true about me moving. Yes they are true. I am Moving to Missouri. My family has agreed to help me get on my feet and I will be helping them too. I went for a visit and to watch my nephew be born and let me tell you just how awesome that was!!! (or at least I would tell you if I could put such feeling into words) So yeah, I leave soon and I am not one for good-byes and stuff as they have a tendancy to make me want to change my mind and this is one of those times that I shouldn't change it. Several of my friends have done me favors and if I want to return them then I need to go. I have a choice of jobs waiting for me when I get there too so I won't be taking a week to do any searching. 

The only thing I ask of you, my friends, is to take care of eachother. Don't worry so much about what you get out of helping eachother as the fact that you can help should be reward enough and you never know when one of your friends will win the lotto and think of you. After all, your friends are the family you get to choose.

I will be a few clicks away....and some day I shall be back. 

Till then, I will miss all of you. 

My journey awaits me........

I leave behind my scent on your sheets
The memory of my laughter when you'd tickle me
The quiet times together are no more to be
For I leave you now and forever more

In my heart I will keep the memory
Of a love found, unexpectedly
Of a life changed for eternity
I leave you now and forever more

I leave behind the smell of sex and purple lights
No more serous talks late into the night
No more looking into my eyes, my soul
For I leave you now and forever more

My tears leave trails on my face
I can't slow down my lifes pace
Nor can I ask for more of you
So I leave you now and forever more

Let Nighteyes protect your dreams at night
For I will not be there to hold you tight
As I rip my heart to pieces...

So it's been a long while since I have posted. For good reason. The apt I live in has no internet and I have been more into just spending time with ppl rather than a box. I did manage to go to war with Mus and Michelle. It was Michelle insisting that I go, so much so that she paid for me to go and made sure I had food. Since I am only getting a few hours at work right now it was easy to get the time off of work. I am currantly looking for a full time full benifits job that I can enjoy. The Dept Mgr at my work said something about cross training and then that didn't happen. I was also told that I could get more hours in the park and then when I tried they told me that they have no hours to give. Disney is just not busy right now. 

Life has been tuff of late. My grandpa just got back from visiting his brother. Not a good trip. His brother is full of cancer. They just put a bunch of tubes in him so as to make him a little more comfy. They don't think he has much longer. My grandparents are taking this hard emotionaly, as could be expected. I am glad my grandpa went to see him tho. They may not have been able to afford it since he hasn't been working since December. They only one able to work right now is my Aunt. That leaves my grandma home to take care of the kids. She is getting too old for that. So I am a little upset that they have it a bit tuff too. They moved out there so that it would be a little easier on them and yet it seems that things are just as hard as if they had stayed out here. I have considered going out there for a while. I just dont think I can leave here yet. Even if it were temporary. 

Life has been good for my dad at least. The only downer on that one is that he seems to drink too much. I am actually glad he dont live closer. I would probably get late night visits from a drunk sorry father. I don't need those.

My sister is doing well. They are going to have a little boy! So it may be that they wind up only havin 2 kids but at least she will have one of each. Then again, she is stubborn, she may have another just because the doctor out here said she couldn't/shouldn't.

ick.....what a rant! and to think that didn't scratch the surface.

What are my words worth? What value do my oaths have? I thought I knew once. I would like to believe that they have the weight of my heart and soul. Maybe at the time they are spoken, they do have such value. 

Six years ago today I spoke some heavy words. I made several promises. I had many witnesses. Tears were shed, laughter was musical. Six years ago my family got larger by choice and by law. Though I was never fully accepted, I tried to make things work. Six years ago, today, I got married. I did the big white dress, dad giving me away, big church (his choice of location, I had no say in that) and done as cheap as possible in four months and two days. I planned everything. It was not an easy task. So many things went wrong that day that one would think that the powers that be were trying to get my attention. Oops. Live and learn.
So what am I thinking today? How does this make me feel? Can any of you guess? 
Well, I tried to busy my brain so that I wouldn't have time to think about what today means to me. But it seems that is not to be the case. I can think about several subjects at the same time it seems. Given they are important enough of course. So I have been thinking about how that day went. How some things went right and how many went wrong. What I hold valuable and what I let go. What value do I give my promises and how does that compare to how others value them. 
I hurt and feel crapy. Like I have lost some personal value. If I vowed to stay by his side throught the good and bad times, then I left. I broke my own promise, my own vows. His not wanting kids vs my wanting them is just another bad time. I know in my heart he would have given in and we would have had children together. That just wasn't good enough for me. I wanted him to want them too. I wanted him to want to be a father, a daddy. We had other problems too but those were minor in compairison. How do you give up your dreams? I just couldn't do it. No matter what vows I took, no matter what promises I made. I couldn't put my dreams on ice, for it would have killed me. 
When we would celibrate this day I would give a gift that had meaning, symbolism. I would have to explain each gift even if it seemed clear to me what I meant by it. He never really appreciated the thought that I would put into my gifts. You see, to me, the exchange of rings was a gift to one another that had meaning to it. I wanted to carry this on, renew it each year. If your heart is in the right place then this should be easy to do. In less than two months I will have officially broken my vows, I will be divorced. Something I vowed to myself to never ever do. I guess things change as we grow up.

So am I a helpless romantic? 

In other news...

My heart beats a steady rythm keeping time for the music in my soul...

Good bye musical dreamer! You will not be forgotten!